A History of Famous Boobs

Greek legend tells us of the Amazons; fierce, tall, magnificent women warriors. The amazons cut off one breast so that it would not interfere with their bows, their javelins, or their swords. The word amazon is made up of two parts; "a" meaning without and "mazos" meaning breast. Together a-mazos means breastless. In Hebrew it means you schmuck of a husband forgot the mazo at the store and you're not having any mazo ball soup this weekend.

This missing breast - this breast that these women warriors sliced off might very well have been the product of a myth, but for us here today in the future, it is the first famous boob in history.

The French painter Eugene Delacroix gave us our next famous boob. Delacroix, an eminent pre-impressionist painter, not only lived to paint the French Revolution, he even got to partake in it himself, at least as a painter and subject, for you can see Delacroix wearing a top hat, to the left of "Liberty Leading the People," though in real life, he joined the French National Guard to avoid combat and to continue painting. 

In this heroic painting we see a lot of rhetoric and jingoism. Lady Liberty is fighting mad and unaware that so far, the only thing she's liberated is a boob. She leads the soldiers over and across the heroic dead. One of them seems to have been liberated from his pants. Liberty, wearing the traditional Phrygian cap of liberty, abandons modesty to hold a musket in one hand and the tricolor in the other. She is France, she is Liberty, she is an abstract force. 

The next famous boob to make history comes on the heals of the industrial revolution with the invention of a washing machine, and that wringer attachment. We're not sure who the owner of that boob was, but it was the first to be caught in the wringer giving us a very colorful metaphor for an individual who is, obviously, a bit upset.

Then we all had to wait until 1964 when Carol Doda, a waitress at the Condor Club in San Francisco, danced topless atop a white baby grand piano, starting the booby club craze that spread like wildfire (mainly up Union Street).

Carol Doda then rose to still greater fame by filling her 34s with silicone and she quickly became the "biggest" star in North Beach (at 44 inches).

The piano, too, got its fifteen minutes of fame a few years later. It was hooked up to a hydraulic system and was lowered from the ceiling with a dancer atop (there was a hole in the ceiling big enough for a dancer to pass through) to start the show. After closing up one night in November of 1983, one of the bouncers, Jimmy Ferrozzo, and a dancer, Theresa Hill, got a little amorous on the top of that white piano. Somehow the hydraulics were accidentally activated by the two love birds, and the piano rose to the ceiling crushing and killing Jimmy while pinning Theresa there for hours till she was discovered by a janitor.

Carol Doda could hardly have known the extent to which the boob craze would take off.  With the the sexual revolution just beginning to rev its steamy little engines, boobs were suddenly the "in thing." They could be seen wiggling at Woodstock and posing on posters while bras everywhere were burned. In theaters they were larger than life, and even in some quiet homes they were lovingly appreciated by men and babies alike.

But as will happen with all fads,
interest in boobs began to sag, and boobs slowly dropped (drooped) out of sight. Boobs went back under cover. Cleavage was frowned upon and bras were back.  

Then, as if out of nowhere, Attorney General Ashcroft brought a boob back into the spotlight when he admitted that he was tired of being photographed with some boob in the background.

This is no ordinary boob that affronted Ashcroft, but the same boob created by our friendly draft dodger Eugene Delacroix. It was the boob of Lady Liberty.

Ashcroft arranged for our government to spend over eight thousand dollars to drape that Lady Liberty (simultaneously draping a good portion of the constitution with the PATRIOT ACT). Thinking he was on a roll, Ashcroft next released the PATRIOT ACT TWO - The Sequel, or what has become known as the "Kill The Survivors Act" in some circles, but no one bought this draping. Ashcroft seems to have misjudged the American public for a bunch of boobs.
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Now, we Americans just will not sit still while our sacred institutions are attacked and despoiled. Especially the Super Bowl. Content with a lot of crotch grabbing and erotic gesticulating, the American public seems to have gotten its collective boob caught in a wringer when for 2.8 seconds they were confronted with one more famous boob.

Ironically, this boob has touched something special in all of us. Congress refuses to look into the lapses in security and budget cuts leading up to 9-11. Congress refuses to look into the lies and misstatements leading us to war. But Congress is looking very carefully into Janet Jackson's bra. We should all stand proud as Americans, as Lady Liberty is once again freed, though this time, she's wearing boob jewelry.

And finally, we arrive at one more boob, just another boob that Ashcroft is often photographed with.

This boob ran an oil company into the ground and made a huge profit. He bankrupted Texas and made a huge profit. He's bankrupting the US and making a huge profit. He oversaw the largest security failure in the history of this country. His grin stretches from sea to shining sea. But this boob, like Janet Jackson's, will soon be forgotten, as Americans everywhere come together to support our troops and take back our nation. This boob is on the way out.